Got home from studying over at Kallang Macs not too long ago with Wayne. My head hurts a hell lot now. I can feel that kinda sharp agonizing pain stinging into my head, migraine maybe. Im suffering and im not prepared for tomorrow's paper and i feel so sick now i wanna vomit. Dread it.
While studying just now, my emotional side of me took control and i felt so moody, got a little distracted.
I wish im 4 years old or something. There's nothing to worry about, nothing at all. All i do is play all day, have fun, laugh and giggle over the slightest thing. There isnt even any examinations, no stress, no problems relating to love, too young to think of what my future would lie ahead, dont have to worry about money issues and the list goes on.
As time goes by, i grow up day by day, be it physically or mentally, i grow older, become bigger and stronger, wiser hopefully and my responsibilities doubled, stress level tripled, chances of going insane is getting really high. I wish i can be a kid again, dont have to bother about what's happening around in the world, politics, economy yada yada blah.
I'm only 18. They say that we should enjoy life when we're younger, but that doesnt seem to apply to my case. I feel so stressed up, so tight down by so many million of things (which i dont even know). I feel so lost and afraid out of a sudden. I can feel that im growing up, im maturing into a young fine lady (im not a girl, not yet a woman), getting my ass ready to step into the working society. Fighting for promotion with the other fellow collegues, doing accounts for a public listed company or being their finance controller or something. I cant imagine what life's gonna be when that comes, i'll be so freaking stress that i'll prolly suffer from depression or mental illness or something.
Why cant i just brush those worries aside and enjoy life like what the other 18s are doing. Clubbing on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays, shopping like money never run dry, chilling out at some cafes or pubs slacking their ass away doing nothing. Why do i have to stress myself so much and indulge in serious studying every single day. Oh dear Amber, its only a freaking tiny term test, STOP IT!
Life has been terrible the past two weeks. My daily routine after i wake up is to study and dance and then go to bed and everything repeats the next day. Life seems to be so stagnant and boring. I need fun! I need to let my hair down and party like there's no tomorrow but i cant do it. Im so afraid of my future because i've such high expectations of myself. I thought its good to think far ahead, but its not doing any good to me now as im only driving myself to the wall. Give me a break, i need a break.
I dont even have time for movies now. Like hello?? Its always my job to catch a movie at least once a week but sad to say, ive not even caught Initial D! I dont even have the time to go for facial, dont even bother mentioning shopping nor meeting my pals for a meal.
Im so sorry this entry is so longwinded and boring, im trying to squeeze all my whinings into this blog and feel sorry for myself. No one can comprehend what im trying to do. My close friends label me as a mad school girl who studies like a nerd, do they even know the reason behind doing so? Nobody understands the kind of stress im going through and im braving it on my own. Who gives a damn to walk with me throughout my darkest moment? No one, no one but myself and God. I feel so weak out of a sudden, i just wanna close my eyes and rest and think about nothing. But no, i dont have those kind of luxurious time to even rest my mind.
STOP IT AMBER, STOP IT. Im sorry, i was too incoherent, i shant go on.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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